1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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