you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
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