just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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