The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
