party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
