I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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