Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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