Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
