I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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