i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
