i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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