She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
