My hand turned me down
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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