When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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