i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
