You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize