I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
