did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
