Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
