please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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