I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
