the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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