Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
