i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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