We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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