I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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