At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
