Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
