if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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