we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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