i just sent this text using only my big toe
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
