Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
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