I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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