she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
the raccoons are back...
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