I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
