this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
