Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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