i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
