im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
