It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize