y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
