weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
