I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
