I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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