this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize