Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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