is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
