I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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