dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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