i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
