My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
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