My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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