Got a toothbrush?
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
