i just wanna soil my oats bro
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I need to stop coming to work sober
sarcasm needs its own font
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
