You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Found the puke drawer
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
