I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
