Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Enjoy the penises
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize