Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize