I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize