I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
one might say we're banned from that church
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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