I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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