Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
