i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I wish they made helmets for livers.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
