that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
