My liver just broke up with me...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
