it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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