I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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