He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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